The five people you definitely won't meet in Heaven

OK, so I'm just kidding. These people might be in Heaven. God is a forgiving dude. And these people aren't all that bad, they're just the kind of bad that really irks you on a less-than-stellar day. But for some reason when I was trilling this idea around in my head for a blog, all I kept coming back to was Mitch Albom's book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

I've been contemplating this idea for quite some time now, all the way back to my college days when I was a wee student teacher who thought she could make a difference. (Don't worry, I realized the difference I'd be making on today's youth was probably not the ideal one, so I ran like hell from that job. I settled on something that didn't psychologically traumatize anyone on a daily basis, myself included. You're welcome).

 And then the other day, while pulling into Target with a mere 30 minutes to spare before closing time, I met the fifth person to complete my list. One ring to rule them all. (Sorry, I don't know where that came from, I haven't watched "Lord of the Rings" in ages).

So here goes, the five people you will not be meeting in Heaven.

1) That lady in the Target parking lot who steals the spot you've been waiting on for three minutes. Seriously, lady in the Honda SUV with your poorly-dyed blonde hair, oversized purse (for reals, that means a lot coming from me, because I am like the bag lady of all bag ladies) and ugly kitten heels, you succeeded in pushing me to my limit. I was minding my own business, waiting on a semi-decent space (which is impossible to find at Target), when low and behold you turned down the aisle and what, thought I was just hanging out in the middle of the aisle with my turn signal on because it was fun?

I'm sure your giant purse was incredibly heavy and you couldn't bear to haul it in from the parking spot that should have been yours, a trillion lanes away. It's cool. I just had my two small children, one of which was passed out in her car seat, the other only 18 months old. Have you ever tried to go to the store with two small children? It's like trying to herd cats. They just keep wandering off everywhere and while I'm strong, even my arms couldn't outlast the trek I had to make because you were, what? Inconsiderate? Having a bad day yourself? Yeah, I get it, but I still don't like it. (shakes fist!)

2) That person at the grocery store who makes passive aggressive stabs at your parenting ability. Look, maybe I'm lazy, maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm a dirty hippie parent, whatevs. But if I have one more person ask me where my child's shoes are when they're sitting in a cart or a stroller, I'm going to go all exorcist, spinning head, green pea soup on someone. And trust me, I'm not being sensitive about this. If they were just making conversation it'd be one thing. But these people are NEVER making conversation. Especially when they ask the same question 149 times before they let me walk away.

Seriously? Why are you so worried about my children's bare feet? It's not winter, they won't be getting frostbite. And considering I have them strapped into this cart I don't see them accidentally stepping on any used heroin needles, so, legit, shut up. You want to know where my kid's shoes are? Probably in aisle 9. Or the produce section. Or hell, maybe even the parking lot. Guess what? My kids, they take their shoes off A LOT. So unless YOU want to chase down the shoe every time it drops or pay to buy me a whole new pair, quit asking where my kid's shoes are. They're probably wherever your butt-the-hell-out gene is.

3) The HVAC dude who tells you the evap coil in your furnace has a ridiculous amount of ice covering it and not only will they NOT be able to fix your air conditioning today (the one that is dripping and leaking EVERYWHERE), but you're going to have to turn the air off and run the "fan" ALL NIGHTALL NIGHT. When it's like 90 out with 100% humidity. Yeah, ain't nobody got time for that. Especially a mom with two kids, one who sleeps naked in the winter (because it's "too hot") and the other who sweats when he's eating a veggie dog.

The good news is the HVAC gentleman was able to squeeze us in at 8 a.m. the next day, so he gets brownie points for that!

4) That friend you have who complains about being "fat" or "overweight" when she actually weighs less than your Thanksgiving Tofurky. Look, I get it. As women, sometimes it doesn't matter how beautiful we are and how everyone else sees us, all we see is droopy skin and stretch marks. But look, there's also something else you should know: tact. Tact means not bitching about your (non-existent) love handles to your friend whose ONE love handle equals your entire body weight. I'm all for a good ranting session and if you want to talk about how crooked your boobs are, I'll totally reassure you that they're not and they're awesome. But if you weigh half of what I do and you want to talk about love handles, well, I suggest you go find a skinny friend to complain to, because I'm just not that big of a person (ha, get it, you see what I just did there?)

5) The chick who said the following. I have a friend who has an awesome job. She's a boss lady and she's a good woman. She and her husband are waiting to adopt their first child. And anyone close to her knows the process they've gone through to get to this point and how excited they are for the day they become parents. And once that time does come, she'll take her maternity leave and love on that baby and everything will feel right in the world. And then in six, eight, 12 weeks, when she decides she's ready, she'll come back and continue to be the kickass boss lady she is. And she'll feel good about that decision. Except that one chick, after hearing she planned on returning to work, had the nerve to ask her "what's the point, then?" Why go through all the trouble to adopt a child if you're just going to, what, desert it forever and be a working mom?

Is that reality? Did I just take a warp through time right back into the 1950s. Newsflash ladies. Despite what some people might believe, having a vagina does not mean we're incapable of multitasking. Having a baby does not mean we should stay at home. Becoming a mother does not mean we can't be other things. And if you're going to tell some awesome boss lady who's been waiting and praying to grow her family that she's doing some disservice to her family because she wants to work too, well, I think we need to see what kind of disservice you're doing to YOURS by letting them think women don't have a choice. It's not about being a stay-at-home mom or working mom, it's about being whatever is going to help you be the best YOU, duh.

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  1. My kids never wear shoes and we get asked this ALL THE TIME. So thank YOU for writing this. Took the words out of my mouth!

  2. Chubby Vegan DadJuly 4, 2014 at 7:50 AM

    And my personal favorite, that dolt who aimlessly meanders through the middle of a parking lot causing all traffic and sentient beings, regardless of importance or agenda, to pause and be put on hold so he can literally laugh out loud to whatever idiotic and inane status update he just received from one of the dingleberry "friends" he has, which he will probably be seeing in a half an hour anyway, while chewing gum with his mouth open oblivious to the world, and all of its inhabitants, around him. That dude has some serious karma to repair. Thank you for the awesome social commentary and philosophical wisdom, and of course this wonderful vehicle for my silly little rant. Keep on keepin' on!