Five things you should do before you have a kid

Lately, I've come to notice a very, very definitive line between the friends I keep. They're either knee-deep in poopy diapers and baby vomit or they're living the carefree, childless life - jettisoning away on fabulous vacations and spending far too much on wardrobes and drinks. (I know, sometimes I wonder how I got such cool, grown-up friends)!

And while every once and a while the green-eyed monster makes an appearance and I long for the days of my baby-free body, the ocean and a beach-inspired cocktail, I'm being completely honest when I tell you I fall madly in love with my life multiple times a day. 

So now that a few of my childless friends are making that big leap into parenthood, I've decided with five years of making babies and raising em' under my belt, I should probably spread some of my awesome wisdom.

So here it is folks, five things you MUST do before you have a kid.

1. Get sick. (I know, you're all, WHAT? How is this the number one thing I should do before having a kid). Just hear me out. Once you have a child, you don't get a sick day. It doesn't matter if you're tossing your cookies or coughing up a vital organ, your needs will always come far, far AFTER that tiny being. So while you still have the chance, get really sick, wallow in self pity, lay in bed for three days straight and watch terrible, terrible television. Heck, live off vegan grilled cheese and sick soup. Drink vegan milkshakes. I don't care what you do, but take the time to tend solely to your needs, while you still can!

2) Travel somewhere, anywhere. It doesn't matter where, just go. And I'm not saying this because you'll never go on a trip again once you have a child, because you will, and you should. Family trips are good for the soul. I'm saying you should go on a massive trip before having kids because it is the last time you'll be able to travel somewhere and not have to pack your entire life's belongings. Sure, you may feel like you need those 16 pairs of shoes, but really, you don't. 

Before you have a kid you can pack up your purse, grab your phone and you're pretty much set. You won't have this kind of freedom again. So run off to the California coast with just the shirt on your back and your wallet, while you still can!

3) Spend the day watching someone else's hellions. Before you have children, you are the best parent in the world. You know exactly how you're going to discipline your kids, how you're going to read them only the most educational bedtime stories and you'll never use the television as a babysitter. Again, I repeat, you're the BEST parent you'll ever be BEFORE you have kids. 

So just when you think you know it all, spend some quality time with your best friend's kids. Offer to hang out with your nieces and nephews. Alone. Without their parents. You will have a completely new love and devotion for whatever friend or family member you help out. Get a real taste of what they're going through everyday and even better, get a taste of all this love you've got coming your way if you decide to make little people.

4) Wear something completely and utterly, jaw-droppingly, inappropriate. Whether you're a chick and you've been too embarrassed to wear that teeny-tiny bikini or you're a dude who wants to sport tight, pleather pants, get in all the barely-there clothing before you have a kid. 

Once you have a child you're going to have that voice in the back of your head saying "yo, you're someone's PARENT, are you sure you should be wearing that?!" Suddenly you have a closet full of Bill Cosby sweaters and mom jeans and you'll be reminiscing about the days you wore miniskirts and low-cut tops. 

5) Go swimming and read a book cover to cover. Don't mistake me. You're totally going to be able to go to the pool and you'll probably find time to read a book once you have a kiddo. But you'll never be able to do these two things as carefree as you can right now. 

Once you start taking your munchkin to the pool, you're eyes will be unmistakably opened to the danger surrounding that simple body of water. And while you can definitely lose yourself in a good book after becoming a mom or dad, it'll never have the same no-strings-attached feel it does before then. So kick your feet up, grab a book and float around in the deep end, while you haven't memorized the 92 blind spots and danger zones of your favorite swimming hole. 

Bonus: And if you still have an itch to scratch before having a child of your own, try this on for size: sit in the bathroom, all by yourself. Just sit there. Do it with the door open. Or the door closed. Read a magazine. Just stare out the window. Pick a zit. Hell, paint your nails while sitting on the toilet. Just bask in the glory of having the bathroom ALL. TO. YOURSELF. ALL. BY. YOURSELF. ALL. ALONE. Because once you hear the patter of those little feet around your house, the LAST place you'll ever be alone again is the bathroom. 

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  1. I am literally crying I'm laughing so hard. You are dead on when it comes to the bathroom one!

  2. Absolutely the bathroom one. If you do nothing else, do that. :) I traveled, I wore the inappropriate clothes, I even took the sick day, BUT I forgot the bathroom. I took it for granted. Now that I am a mom, well I can count on one hand the times I have had complete privacy in the bathroom.