Pardon me while I hop up on my soap box

Let’s play a little game. It’s called «take a look at the following photo and tell me what you see:»

It’s a baby, right? (My baby to be exact). A smiling, happy, healthy, bright-eyed, sitting in the bathtub and absolutely beaming, little baby. Most importantly, I’m going to gather from the fact that said baby is sitting up, smiling, not laying in the water drowning, that not only is she alive and breathing, but she’s flourishing.

That’s right. My dirty hippie by proxy, tofu and almond butter eating, coconut milk drinking, never consumed a drop of dairy or hunk of meat (via utero or mouth), almost 11 month old daughter is soaring off growth charts and zooming past milestones.

Annoying, isn’t it?

It shouldn’t be, and yet, the sheer fact that my daughter has been exposed to foods most adults don’t eat let alone kids, and «deprived» of common, household animal-ridden products, seems to rub people the wrong way. Sometimes, I have to actually go over conversations in my head to figure out if I just start the day looking for the fight, or if it just finds me. And while I’m rather confrontational in most facets of my life, when it comes to my lifestyle choices, I try not to shove my garbage down anyone’s throat unless they ask. (Ask around, I’m sure there are a few friends who will attest to this).

Now, not only am I «neglectful» because of what I’m not feeding my daughter (see this for my first encounter of the bitchy kind), but I’m irresponsible because of what I am feeding her.

Is almond butter suddenly laced with cyanide and I just don’t know it? A seemingly pleasant woman asks me if I like this particular brand of almond butter, I reply «I haven’t tried it but my 11 month old devours it!» and I swear her head started spinning and green was spewing out of her orifices. I then received a 5-minute lecture detailing how many children are sent to the ER because of nut allergies and what on Earth I was thinking giving that to a baby under two!

Reality check, psycho, know-it-all woman. I get that the whole nut allergy thing is serious, I’m not arguing that. I am going to kindly point out that a peanut is a legume and an almond is a tree nut, which, may or may not have something to do the almond having one of the lowest reaction rates among the nut family, but you know, let’s just throw facts out the window for fun.

You want to know what else a lot of doctors say kids shouldn’t have until they’re two?


Yeah, that’s right. That creamy liquid that comes from an animal that outweighs most human beings by a good thousand pounds, yeah, several pediatricians agree that it shouldn’t be introduced until two years of age, one year of age at the very earliest.

And yet, last time I checked, mothers everywhere are stuffing their babies full of formula and food laden with all its fun byproducts. (You know, the nutrients required to make a baby calf triple it’s weight in the first year of it’s life? Sure, sounds like something a human being should consume mass amounts of).

And if that’s not enough for you, Ms. «Someone call child services because this lady is feeding her daughter almond butter,» let me ask you this, what other species requires another species milk to supposedly «thrive?» Oh, just humans, oh, OK, just checking.

I think I’m going to sit here and contemplate how the circle of life continues to spin when the rest of the animal kingdom isn’t sucking down a big, tall glass of the white stuff.

I’ll tell you how. They avoid almonds.


Someone call the doctor, this mom fed her daughter almond butter and she collapsed.


Or, you know, she slithered away from her mom because she was being tickled to death. Whichever.

A fool-proof method to eat those veggies

I’m just going to come out right now and say it. If you don’t like these cheesy bites, you’re basically an asshole. I know, I know, it seems harsh, but these are so absolutely delicious that there’s just something wrong with you if you don’t fall in love with them and want to run away and have babies with them.

Ooey-Gooey, Cheesy Bites

(Makes 12)
2 cups cooked pasta (I used tri-color, curly Quinoa pasta for the added protein)
1/4 cup nutritional yeast (or Parmesan if you’re feeling daring)
12-ounce container of Tofutti sour cream
1/3 cup Tofutti cream cheese
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1/3 cup almond milk
2 cups grated cheese (I used Daiya because it’s magical)
1 cup broccoli
1/2 chopped up onion
Pepper and salt to taste


Preheat oven to 375.

Mix wet ingredients, nutritional yeast and cornstarch in large bowl. 

Add cooked pasta, onions, grated cheese and broccoli.

 Pour into greased muffin pan and bake for 30 minutes. 

Take out once gooey and golden brown.

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